A Dirty Trick

I went to my allotment yesterday...

and someone had put 2 inches of soil down on the ground.

I have no idea who it was. 

I went back today and someone had put another 2 inches of soil on the ground. 

The plot thickens.

 

Why aren't there any male agony aunts?

Here's why.

Dear Jim,

I left home for work last week and after less than a mile my car stalled and I had to walk home. 

When I got there I found my 18-year-old babysitter handcuffed to the bed with my husband kneeling behind her.

I am devastated.  

Can you help??

Jim.

A common cause of vehicle breakdown is dirt in the fuel lines, if not it may be the alternator. 

Hope this advice helps.

 

 

 

Normal sex?

I was making love to my wife last night when she started moaning that we never have normal sex anymore... 

and that I'm obsessed with doing it like they do in porn films... 

Typical of her to start an argument in front of all my mates....

Roger more!

I just bought some of that 007 Viagra. 

 It makes you roger more!

Dummy!

A ventriloquist is touring his act.

He starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts out,"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! 

"What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? 

"Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected!

"Not all blondes are dumb you know!" 

The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts,

"You stay out of this I'm talking to that little wanker on your knee!"

Take the bus!

I'm starting to be careful about drink driving now Christmas isn't far away.

In fact last night I left my car at the pub and took the bus home. 

 

 I'm quite proud of myself, I'd never driven a bus before!

 

 

Huge Heart

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

 

 
A huge heart.... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. 
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. 
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. 
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. 
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry...

...I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

Made in Britain

The largest condom factory in the States burned down.

President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... 

All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
Forward this if you're proud to be British

 

Still fits me

My wife just said to me, 

"Look at this, I've had this since we got married 20 years ago 

& it still fits me".

I said "What is it? a scarf."

 

 

 

Cheap flights

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. 

I told her I was looking for cheap flights. 

"I love you!" she said, then she got all excited, un-zipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever.... 

Which is odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before!

 

 

Holiday for two!

My mate said that every time he goes on holiday his wife gets pregnant.

So next year he's taking her with him!

 

 

Missing her!

When The Missus Left I Was Sad Upset And Lonely.. 

Since Then:

• I've Got A Dog

• Bought A New Bike

• Shagged Two Women

• Blown A Grand On Hard Drink And Drugs.... 

• She'll Go Absolutely Mental When She Gets Home From Work...

  

Understanding College Graduates

Understanding College Graduates

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 

The graduate with accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"