Castle

I made my girlfriend's wishes come true and married her in a castle.

It should have made her happy.

You wouldn't have thought it though from the look on her face as we were bouncing around!

Health and Safety

 I failed a Health and Safety course at work today!

One of the questions was "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"F*****g large ones!" was apparently the wrong answer!

Crab

Duncan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love.

For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Duncan in tears.

We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why?" gasped Duncan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed.

"He claims you are a mere crab, and a poor one at that and crabs are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."

Duncan was shattered, and scuttled sideward away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night, the great Lobster ball was taking place.

Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Duncan the crab strode in.

The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Duncan the crab made his way across the floor...and all could see that he was walking, not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush..................................

For quite a while...........................

Finally, the crab spoke.......

"F..., I'm pissed!!!

Born where?

Two girls talking in queue at Tescos - 

'She said my nan was incontinent, but that is a f++++ing lie, she was born in Birmingham !''

First car

My mate told me the other day ~ Anal sex is a lot like my first car.

I didn't really want it but my uncle gave it to me anyway

Worst Nightmare

I got a strange text this evening off a number I didn't know.

I replied, "Who's this?"

I got a message back saying, "Your worst fucking nightmare."

Which left me a bit baffled as she was sitting next to me and hadn't moved the whole time.

Ring Sting

Paddy told the wife he was getting a burning sensation in his anus and didnt know what it was. 

She said 'ring sting?'. 

Paddy said 'He's only a singer, what the fuck will he know?